ALL’S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR:

Posted on November 10, 2011 by Sue Daubner

JUDGE ORDERS DISCLOSURE OF PASSWORDS OF SPOUSES FACEBOOK, MATCH.COM, AND OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA WEBSITES

 So guess what?  You thought your passwords to your social media websites were secret?  Guess again!  A divorce judge inConnecticutordered the divorcing spouses to exchange their passwords to their Facebook accounts, Match.com, and other dating sites.  The Judge didn’t seem to care that Facebook “prohibits” anyone from giving out another person’s password.  Oh well, sorry Facebook.

Attorney’s are all too happy to receive evidence in the form of the other spouse’s dirty laundry from websites, often Facebook.  But to tell your client they have to give the other side their password?   In a word, WOW!

Apparently, there were allegations that the Wife had made statements in her account about her feelings about an inability to take care of her children.  Since custody was an issue, the Husband wanted access to her account to help him prove his case.  During a deposition, the Husband’s lawyer requested the passwords for her EHarmony account, Match account and her Facebook account.  When the Wife immediately texted a friend to change her password, the lawyer asked the Judge to order an injunction so she couldn’t delete or change her account and that she hand over her passwords.  And guess what?  The Judge did just that….and ordered the Husband to do the same.

Lawyers are usually told “no” to what the legal world calls “fishing expeditions.”  That is, we can’t just go looking for whatever, without a good reason.  But here, the Judge allowed both lawyers to “go fishing” for whatever they could find. 

So as I have said before in other articles…..be careful what you put in writing if you don’t want to have it used against you.  After all, if Facebook isn’t sacred, what is???

 Until my next little divorce blog……… Sue

 Susan Moore Daubner, Esq.
New YorkDivorce & Family Law Attorney
Ziff Law Firm
Elmira, New York
sdaubner@zifflaw.com

 

 

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Whose clothes are they anyway???

Posted on September 20, 2011 by Sue Daubner

Okay, who out there fights over who owns their children’s clothes?  Sound crazy?  Well it happens all the time in divorce world.  Picture this….there are two parents, two households, two sets of clothes and children who go back and forth between the households and the closets. 

 I have clients who won’t send “their” clothes (i.e. the clothes they bought for their children) to the other parent’s house.  Why?  Well there are a variety of reasons. 

 1)      I buy the good clothes and they never come back.  He or she buys the crappy clothes and they are the ones that come back to my house.

2)      I send “my clothes” and they come back ruined!

3)      He or she sends back the clothes dirty and never washes them.

4)      I shouldn’t have to buy clothes for his/her house.

5)      I buy expensive clothes and he/she buys the cheap stuff.

 Does this sound familiar?  I can understand the complaints.  Really I can, but my problem is that I always come back to the same position………they are not your (the parent’s) clothes……….THEY ARE YOUR CHILDREN’S CLOTHES!!!!

 I tell my client’s to imagine someone telling them they can’t wear their own clothes.  The outfit you are wearing right now….go over to your friend’s house and take it off and put it in their closet and put on a different outfit in that closet and go back to whatever it was you were doing…..that was stupid.  Right?  It’s kind of what a child goes through in a divorced life between two parents fighting about clothes.  Look at it from the child’s point of view…something more divorcing or separating parents should do on a regular basis.

Children have a hard enough time dealing with their parents being in separate households.  Why should they have to worry about whether they can wear a certain outfit because it was purchased by the “wrong” parent.  Answer?  They shouldn’t.  Parents need to do whatever is necessary to allow their children have a peaceful life, which includes allowing them to wear their clothes freely….with no ownership rights granted to the parents.  Once you buy the clothes for the child, they become the child’s clothes. 

 I know, I know….the exceptions, because there are ALWAYS exceptions.  I personally know people that have joint custody and each parent has a full set of clothing at their house and they say it works fine.  I still don’t know what they do when the child has to go to the other parent’s house…what do they wear then?  Maybe there is a third set of transfer clothes….sorry.  I get carried away with this issue.

 I just feel that as much as children go through living in more than one house, and as tough as it is to be a kid these days?  Can’t we take clothing out of the stress of their lives?  Please?

 Until my next little divorce blog……… Sue

Susan Moore Daubner, Esq.
New YorkDivorce & Family Law Attorney
Ziff Law Firm
Elmira, New York
sdaubner@zifflaw.com

 

 

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WHEN LAWYERS BEHAVE BADLY…..

Posted on August 11, 2011 by Sue Daubner

Oh my little blog….I have neglected you.  I am so sorry….But I am back with more information and more stories.

Misbehaving LawyersWHEN LAWYERS BEHAVE BADLY…..

I was in Family Court the other day, and the Judge made a huge deal about the client’s treating each other with respect.  It was a case where both the Mother and Father wanted custody.  They were both pointing fingers at the other for having “issues” (anger, alcohol, etc.) and both got upset.  Then you add in the attorney’s comments about the situation, “well my client told me blah blah blah…”  and the other one says, “Well that’s not true…blah blah blah…” and things go from bad to worse.

I often see attorneys making their client’s cases worse by saying horrible things about the other parent.  This inevitably leads to more contention and fighting because of course, the other lawyer then starts bashing the other parent, and so on and so on and so on.  The Judge usually gets mad and sometimes evens threatens the parents that if they can’t get along, their children might end up in foster care! 

So I ask myself, what is the lawyer’s obligation to his or her client?

Aren’t we supposed to help our client’s get through their legal problems with the least amount of fighting?  Or is it the other way around?  Are we supposed to fight to get them the best outcome? 

When I meet a new client, I always ask him or her, what their goal is in the process, whether it is a Family Court case or a Divorce matter.  I then assess whether it’s reasonable and/or achievable; and then try to figure out the best way to get there.

I am of the position that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Don’t get me wrong, where there is a fight to be had, I am in there swinging (not physically of course) but legally.  I will defend my client, but I don’t come out of the gate like a crazy person just looking for a battle.

Some lawyers do, and I find that those attorneys don’t reach settlements as readily as the ones who can be reasonable, kind (yes kind) and try to help their clients see that fighting really just brings about more fighting.

So back to the other day….there we were in Court, the Judge had just told us that he wanted our clients to communicate and work out their time with the children as though they were living in the same house and had to help each other with schedules.  “Great,” I thought.  We can try to mediate this (which is my favorite thing).

No sooner did the Judge strike his gavel to the desk and said “Adjourned”, that I walked out of the Courtroom and up to the other attorney, who bellowed at me “Your client can have the child today from 3 to 5”. 

That was it!  There was no “What should we do?”, no “What is your client’s schedule,” no “Let’s try to work this out.”  It was “this is what we are going to give you, take it or leave it.”  Not very amicable and certainly not a very good display of positive communication.

After a few more words, this attorney became rude (all in front of the clients, their parents and the deputies in the courthouse).  She told me really really slowly (like I was stupid or something) that if I would stop talking and ….listen…..to……her…..words, maybe I would understand her.  She treated me like I was in kindergarten.  I really wanted to yell at her (something like…. @@####@@$$@#@#$#$#%#$%#%).  But I didn’t.  I did not think she was acting like a good role model for our client’s so I told her she was acting rude and walked out of the door.  As I walked down the sidewalk with my client and his Mother, he said to me “That is what I have had to deal with for years.”  I felt for him, because if the Mother treated him the way that this attorney had treated me, I would be upset and frustrated too.  I congratulated him on keeping his cool and being polite. 

Was this Lawyer doing her client a favor by her behavior?  Did she get a better result for her client?  Did she act professionally?   I say no to all three. 

I sure hope that she has better manners at the next court appearance.  Maybe then we could get something accomplished. 

Because, yes, I think that lawyers too, should be held to conduct themselves with good manners. 

And that is all I have to say about that……for now.

Until my next little divorce blog……… Sue

________________________
Susan Moore Daubner, Esq.
New York Divorce & Family Law Attorney
Ziff Law Firm
Elmira, New York
sdaubner@zifflaw.com

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New York State Now Has “No-Fault” Divorce!!!!!

Posted on November 10, 2010 by Sue Daubner

How New Law Goes Beyond Grounds

I’m sure that you have heard by now that New York state has joined the rest of the United States in allowing unhappy couples to get divorced without showing fault grounds.

I can’t count the number of times prior to October 13, 2010, that I had to tell people “New York doesn’t have ‘Irreconcilable Differences’ divorces.” What’s the saying? If I had a nickel for every time I said that… Well, this would be the blog of a trillionaire.

New York seemed to pride itself on holding onto the notion that people should take marriage more seriously, that you couldn’t get out of a marriage because you just couldn’t get along with your spouse. Well, they seemed to change their tune. It all sounds so easy now, right? WRONG.

Yes, New York has passed a law adding a 7th ground for divorce: that “the relationship between a husband and wife has broken down irretrievably for a period of at least six months, provided that one party so states under oath.”

It’s New York’s very own version of no-fault divorce. It’s what everyone has been waiting for, right? Let me tell you, the legislation is far more extensive and complex than it seems and it still needs to be ironed out.

This ground for divorce will only be granted after the other “issues” of a couple’s divorce have been resolved by the parties (spouses) or by the Court. What does this mean? It means that the divorce will not be granted until all of the messy stuff is done…. spousal maintenance (aka alimony), child support, custody, division of marital property, pensions, retirement…. and the list goes on.

The New York Legislature went beyond just “the grounds”…. it’s delved into spousal maintenance formulas and child support, too. It has changed language, requirements, income caps, and blah blah blah…. for everyone out there reading this who is not a divorce attorney, it sounds like gibberish. If you are a divorce attorney and you read the law, it reads like…. well, I won’t say gibberish, but it sure is long.

Therefore (just a little lawyer word), we lawyers will muddle through the new laws, argue them out in court, try to figure out the consequences for our clients. The clients? They get frustrated, too, because the changes can be severe. What I am saying is that there is going to be a time of adjustment for New York State attorneys, clients and the judges.

I hope the new law eventually produces more happy faces than sad in our great state, but that remains to be seen. At least we now have no-fault divorce, though… right?

Until my next little divorce blog,

Sue

Susan Moore Daubner, Esq.
New York Divorce & Family Law Attorney
Ziff Law Firm
Elmira, New York
sdaubner@zifflaw.com
www.mylittledivorceblog.com

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Story of the Month: A Facebook Fairytale

Posted on September 21, 2010 by Sue Daubner

OK, OK, so I trashed Facebook in the blog last week…. Sorry! I am here to recant my negative attitude about the ol’ FB.

You will not, I repeat, will not, believe the Story of the Week. You ready for this????

So I bring in my client. She is in her 60’s, adorable with smiling eyes. We will name her Happy. Mind you, most people that come to see me, Miss Divorce Lawyer, would be given that name. But Happy has a story that will make you smile.

Turns out Happy did not have such a happy marriage. She has been separated for more than 30 years. She never got divorced but she had a Separation Agreement. She never felt the reason so actually go through with the divorce until now.

Back in high school, Happy met a boy; we will name him Go-Lucky. They dated and he fell madly in love with her after their first kiss. But he was a teenage boy, so he never told her. Go-Lucky moved away and never forgave his parents for taking him away from his childhood sweetheart.

He and Happy lost touch. She moved to another state and got married. He got married too. Life happened and they both separated from their spouses. He never stopped thinking about her. Go-Lucky searched for Happy without success, but he never gave up.

One day, Happy was on Facebook and saw a message being spread by her classmates, “Have you seen Happy?” Turns out Go-Lucky had posted the message, hoping someone would know where Happy was… and wouldn’t you know it – he was online. So Happy sent him a message, “Are you looking for me?” He responded, “I’ve been looking for you for 40 years.”

Go-Lucky couldn’t believe his luck. He had finally found her.

I said, “Maybe he was trying to get to you but he couldn’t walk, and his legs were all shriveled up under a little blanket, like that movie ‘An Affair to Remember.’ ” I looked at Happy and she was staring at me as if to say, “How did you know?”

I said, “What?”

She told me he had an accident 30 years ago, in which a wrecking ball hit him. “He’s a paraplegic and can’t walk!” she said.

“You are kidding,” I said.

“No, I am serious. He can’t walk,” she replied.

Can you believe that??? He’s been searching for her for 40 years and found her, and he’s a paraplegic and they fell in love. Any one of those things is chancy, let alone all three. It’s the making of a great movie.

And Happy and Go-Lucky will finally be able to live Happily Ever After, all thanks to Facebook. Go Facebook!

Until my next little divorce blog……… Sue

Susan Moore Daubner, Esq.
New York Divorce & Family Law Attorney
Ziff Law Firm
Elmira, New York
sdaubner@zifflaw.com

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Facebooking and Divorce…

Posted on August 17, 2010 by Sue Daubner
Facebook logo
Image via Wikipedia
I must admit, I knew that that the world’s obsession with Facebooking would affect my business as a divorce attorney, but I didn’t predict that it would be THIS BIG!  I would say that Facebook plays a part in more than 50% of my new cases.  It plays a role in many different ways.Troubled times:
I find that couples get to a point in their relationships when one or both spouses gets fed up with the other’s behavior, doesn’t get the attention they need from the other or just plain gets bored in their marriage.  It’s what they do after these things happen that affects the future of their marriage.

Many times, spouses will communicate that they are not happy and either work on things together or with counseling.  This is a good thing and hopefully they never have to come see the likes of me.  But these days, with most people having internet access and easy access to other people and their pasts, Facebook becomes an unhappy spouse’s outlet or inlet to trouble.

The romance from the past…………
The looking up old friends from high school……….
The looking up your “Friend’s friends” on their facebook pages……….
The looking up people you “sort of” know……………

All of this leads to what I call “Facetalking,” conversations that can and usually are detrimental to your marriage.  In essence, to the other spouse, it’s cheating on-line.  Once a spouse finds the other “hooking up” with former friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, or anyone other than them, their trust is shaken, often beyond repair.  That’s when I meet the “Facebookee” or the “Facebooker” and divorce is often the result.

Evidence:
Facebooking also gets people into trouble with their attorneys who are trying to defend them in divorce actions.  The internet has become a mine field for divorce attorneys trying to prove their divorce cases.  In New York State, where we still have grounds to deal with, Facebook pages often become evidence of adultery and cruel and inhuman treatment.

I now tell my clients, don’t post what you don’t want to turn up in court.

There is a great article about evidence from Facebook (link)

I have been told Facebook is fun.  I admit I have tried it to connect with college friends.  I thought it was cool for the first three days, but I see the other side of FB. I see the devastation it can cause in a relationship, and that is not limited to married people.  Some might say that if people are going on Facebook for the ‘wrong’ reasons, maybe they should be divorced anyway.  I’m just saying that sometimes people take the easy way out and avoid dealing with their spouse if there are problems, and often the people they go to talk to (often on Facebook) are those that create the situation that puts the nail in the coffin.  Just a thought……..

Until my next little divorce blog……… Sue

Susan Moore Daubner, Esq.
New York Divorce & Family Law Attorney
Ziff Law Firm
Elmira, New York
sdaubner@zifflaw.com

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And the child pays the price…

Posted on August 16, 2010 by Sue Daubner
I see so many cases where parents say and do things in front of their children that would make your head spin around.  Some parents tell their children that they can’t buy things for them because their “Mother” or “Father” doesn’t give them enough child support.  Some tell their children that the other parent is bad, mean, or the cause of all the problems.  Often these negative words come out in a fight or stressful situation between the parents.  There are often swear words used and sometimes there are tears and maybe physical violence.  No matter who starts it, the children are always the victims.

I am not one to say the divorce or custody or even breaking up is an easy thing, quite the opposite.  The end of a relationship is stressful and brings out feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, jealously and many other crappy emotions.  But when there are children involved, I think parents have a higher standard to follow.

After all, the children never asked for the divorce or the fights or the separate houses.  In fact statistics show that if you ask a child of a separated or divorced couple what they want most, they typically answer, “that my Mom and Dad will get back together.”

Many children blame themselves for their parents breaking up.  They think that they did something to cause the problems between their Mom and Dad and often the children never tell their parents they feel this way.  They suffer in silence.

A child should feel love for both parents.  If a parent says negative things about the other parent, a child takes that personally.  If you think about it, a child is made up of both parents, so by attacking a parent, the child feels attacked as well.

So I ask you, or really I beg you, next time you are feeling like exploding or arguing with your ex or soon to be ex and the children are around, even if they are in the other end of the house, DON’T DO IT.  The damage you might do to your child is far greater than you might ever imagine.

I encourage people to seek out counseling if they can’t “keep it together” for the sake of the children, even if they don’t plan on reconciling.  We have one Judge that says to parents, “even though you might not live together, you have to deal with each other for the rest of your children’s lives.”   And I ask you, isn’t it worth it to have your child think that they have the best parents in the world?   I think so.

Until my next little divorce blog………… Sue

Susan Moore Daubner, Esq.
New York Divorce & Family Law Attorney
Ziff Law Firm
Elmira, New York
sdaubner@zifflaw.com

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What about those Divorces that Cost $500.00?

Posted on August 16, 2010 by Sue Daubner
On this one, I’m going to start off with the Bottom line:  DON’T DO IT.   The filing fees for a divorce, that are not attorney fees but are paid directly to the State or the Court, are approximately $425.00.  Anyone who says they are a lawyer and will do a divorce for $75.00… well I won’t finish that sentence because I don’t bad mouth lawyers.

You know the term, “You get what you pay for?”  Well it applies to divorces too.  Not to say that there aren’t attorneys who overcharge, but there are those lawyers that try to lure prospective clients with promises to do their divorce for $500.00, but it will inevitably cost more than a good lawyer in the long run, and they will inevitably blame the client for the extra cost.

I have heard stories that the people who process your divorce in these places, are not lawyers or they just have a staff lawyer and use their name.  Your life is about to change with a divorce, and I wouldn’t advise anyone I liked (or didn’t like for that matter) to trust your new life with a place like that…get the point?  I think I have sufficiently negatively commented on the $500.00 Divorce issue, so I will not beat a dead anything to death. (can’t say horse because I like them too much).

Until my next little divorce blog……… Sue

Susan Moore Daubner, Esq.
New York Divorce & Family Law Attorney
Ziff Law Firm
Elmira, New York
sdaubner@zifflaw.com

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Should you do your own Separation Agreement?

Posted on August 16, 2010 by Sue Daubner
Well you can try to do your own, but unless you are an attorney, chances are good that you will not be drafting or executing a valid Agreement.  A client just came in and the first thing she said to me was “We did our own Separation Agreement.”  And with a smile on her face, she happily pulled out one sheet of paper with the words Separation Agreement typed at the top.  It was notarized, which is more than what most people do, but it did not come close to having all of the necessary parts of a valid Separation Agreement.

Lawyers who practice divorce law know (or should know) what issues must and should be contained in a Separation Agreement.  Sure people say that lawyers are repetitive and use words no one really understands, however, the words (strange or not) are contained in the Agreements for a reason.  The reason being, your Separation Agreement should deal with all of the issues of your marriage, your separation, your duties and obligations to children and the other spouse and the potential divorce.

Many people who draft their own Separation Agreements or attempt to do their own divorces, come in to see me months or years down the road, upset and confused about things that came up, and many times it is too late to remedy the problem.  I always think to myself, “Why didn’t you come in when you were at the beginning, when we could have addressed the what if’s and the maybe’s before they became reality?”

This particularly nice woman who just left my office was already having problems with her “husband” doing what he “agreed” to do in their homemade Agreement.  She needs to start over and luckily there is time to fix her mess before it grows larger.

Bottom line:  See a lawyer before you sign anything, including a Separation Agreement or divorce papers.  You will save yourself a lot of grief, time, energy and money.  Even if it isn’t apparent until a year down the road, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Until my next little divorce blog……… Sue

Susan Moore Daubner, Esq.
New York Divorce & Family Law Attorney
Ziff Law Firm
Elmira, New York
sdaubner@zifflaw.com

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DO and DON’T

Posted on August 16, 2010 by Sue Daubner
DO: Dress appropriately when you go to Court.  I like to tell my clients to dress like they are going to church or someplace nice.  It shows the Court respect.

DON’T: Chew gum, wear a hat or wear any clothing that the Judge could take offense to, such as T-shirts that say “I’m with Stupid” or that have swear words on them.

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